*FYI: this post is not a step by step or 4 things to do (BS) about how to handle the death of a friend.
Last week I received a Facebook message telling me that a friend had pasted away and find unsettled emotions continuing to rise to the surface….
(click here to read last weeks post)
(RIP: Naomi Atkinson 1986-2014)
Why is my emotional state becoming disturbed more and more?
Why are my emotions seeming to spiral?
As the death of anyone we cherish can be very painful for numerous reasons – someone taking the time to search through those reasons may experience additional pain. To put it frankly, sometimes life is down right cruel and leaves us with unanswerable questions and pain that lingers if unprocessed for even days, weeks, months, or years later.
Why would a person make time to process painful life circumstances?
How can a person correctly process things they don’t understand?
First things first – the obvious. When a loved one dies, the immediate change is and an oblivious change is found within the absence of an individual. The person is obviously no longer in our physical life (at least, not in the same way), but does remain in the mental and emotional portion of our life.
It’s here within the mental / emotional side of processing my friends death – that I am left feeling void and missing something as we each changed after a loved one dies.
Secondly, we have to accept change:
We are now a friend who is left alone with unsaid words, unfinished tears, and silenced laughter….
We are now a father or mother without a daughter…
An individual vs. a couple – a widow instead of a wife / a widower instead of a husband.
Every time I’ve processed the loss of a loved one, I’ve found myself desiring to turn back the clock of time…. Wanting to say one last thing, to have one last minute, one more hug…. ultimately wanting to embrace life the way it was…. but it isn’t…. and I can not…. so we grief, we RAGE, and that’s okay….
These emotions and feelings are just the start.
Life is constantly changing all the time, and we resist it or we adapt to it.
So we can transparently say that, pain not only stems from death but from a life of uncertainly and one we are not in total control of. The emotional and mental side of pain is deeply rooted in things not lining up with my desires and/or expectations.
So, how do I coped?
How can we cope?
Coping with pain is done in various ways: get angry and yell, drink or do drugs, eat junk food, watch TV or find other distractions. We can find positive ways to cope with the stress and hurt and anger: writing, drawing, exercise, talking about our problems with a friend, or trying to honor a life that was lived by living to honor them.
The coping mechanism I’ve chosen this past weekend has been the emotional numbing distraction of entertainment. Today, I’m finding my suppressed emotions nearly unbearable…. it’s as if I’ve shaken a carbonated soda can to it’s limits and internal pressure needs to somehow be released without experiencing total implosion or explosion.
Death is an ending to a chapter, which is a necessity. Endings are necessary for beauty: otherwise we do not appreciate the thing at hand, because it’s unlimited. Limits are beautiful if we see the moment for its truly unsurpassable value. Death is the ultimate reminder that we need to appreciate this beautiful thing called life…. every second…. every moment…. with every person; while, we have it.
Some would say that, death itself is also a beginning, but the truth of that remains with those that have crossed over. Death, can also be a rude awakening for the survivors. While we have lost an important person, this ending… is an opportunity to remember the person’s life and be grateful for what they gave us and the life we have to live.
It’s time for me to go on a slow unplanned, processing walk… …
Action step: Leave a comment. Thoughts? I’d be honored to hear and have you share thoughts. How? Simply leave or submit a comment below and personally commit take one step forward from where you are at today.